Ok well I have debated about writing this post. Should I? Shouldn't I? But i feel its an important topic and one that women should not feel ashamed of, or guilty about.
So a few of you now know that Im officially NOT competing this year. 5 weeks ago I was struggling emotionally, more so than i was physically. I couldn't get my brain or my emotions to be in sync with what I wanted my body to do. It felt like an uphill battle, and one that i knew i was losing.
Why couldn't I get myself motivated to want to compete?? I had all the support in the world, my body was coming in and I had gained some good muscle. I just didnt feel...right. I was breaking down in front of my coach, i was feeling miserable, emotional highs and lows and generally felt like i was going insane.
What I didnt realise at the time was that I was in fact pregnant.
I wasn't listening to my body. It was trying to tell me to STOP. It was giving me all the warning signs, it had put up the white flag and i refused to listen or take notice. This is the biggest lesson i have learnt in my life thus far. If you push your body to extremes - it will eventually push back, and then there is nothing you can do.
So earlier in the week I woke up and i just knew - its weird, and some of you will know what im talking about, but i just 'felt' pregnant. I decided to take a pregnancy test and with huge excitment a faint positive appeared! Now some of you that know me very well, will know that in the many years my husband and i have been trying to fall pregnant, any pregnancy test i have taken has been so negative that not even an evapoation line would appear !! The exhiliration of seeing a line, albeit faint, was almost too much to bear. I knew i was very early to take a pregnancy test and some of you will know that your pregnancy hormone (HCG) increases daily as you progress in your pregnancy, so the pregnancy test positive line should get darker and darker. I drove michael and myself crazy, taking home pregnancy tests over and over again - just to make sure my eyes had not decieved me. But there is was again and again, a line...a perfect faint pink line...
On thursday evening i took what would be my 5th and final home pregnancy test. I felt sick to my stomache as i came out and showed michael the test. No line. The test was undeniably negative. I actually described it to my doctor as the pregnancy test giving me the finger. She laughed - but i was serious.
In the early hours of friday morning (without going into the details), i just knew i wasnt pregnant anymore. I woke and turned to michael and said 'i dont think im pregant anymore...'. I booked in to see my wonderful GP who after rushing through a blood test, confirmed at 5pm friday afternoon that i had miscarried at 5.5 weeks.
So after a few brief moments of grief, I am now extremelly excited for the future. I have been told for a very long time that due to my PCOS and Endometriosis that getting pregnant naturally would be very difficult - well i now know for certain that i can get pregnant. Happy days!
In writing this I really dont want any of you to feel sad for me and nor do i want sympathy. I want you to rejoice with me that i have extreme hope that one day i will have the family i desire.
As women, we should never feel that miscarriage is a taboo subject and we should not feel ashamed or guilty. A very large percentage of women will miscarry in their lifetime, and its just natures way of protecting us i feel.
So then where to from here? Well, for me, it has definantly put things in perspective and has put my priorities straight. No more comps for me. I need to get myself healthy and happy so that i can provide a wonderful environment for a child. Balance is the key, and its something i still struggle with, but something i need to get a handle on quickly. Maybe oneday after i have a child i will feel compelled to compete again, but for now - its not a consideration, and im ok with that.
If you take one thing away from this post i want it to be this. LISTEN to your body. Get in tune with yourself, nuture yourself. Its the only body you've got - look after it.
xx
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Kettlebell madness and Oscar the dog
Well I keep saying im going to be a better blogger -and then weeks go by and i haven't written a thing! Things are pretty much the same in terms of comp prep for me, im doing what i need to do - about 90% of the time! This is partly because i no longer feel the burning desire to compete like I did last year - if i get there i get there if not, oh well. Like I said in my last blog post, its all about balance for me, so in order to start enjoying my workouts again i invested in...a kettlebell!
Its my new found workout LOVE! It is honestly one of the best ways to get a full blown all over body workout that leaves you sweating and swearing at your PT (sorry mick...and Tom!). I have noticed massive improvements since using the kettlebell and easing off the heavy weights. The higer intensity training just suits my physique better and gets me faster results - with the added bonus of it being fun. I really needed for my workouts to be enjoyable again, because we all know if its not fun anymore, we are likely not to keep doing it. I have the 12kg kettlebell at the moment but im in the market to upgrade now to the 16kgs as i can now do a 12kg one arm kettlebell swing - sound easy? Well give it a go and get back to me...
So in other news I had a photoshoot on friday night with the very talented Ms Lisa Ray (www.lisarayphotograpy.com.au). She needed a model to help her with some lighting for a big shoot she had the next day so i happily helped her out. It was great fun, Lisa is an amazing photographer and these images turned out gritty and alluring. I will post some once there ready...
On thursday night I met oscar. For those of you reading and dont know who Oscar is - well he is a stray dog that I rescued. The police had arrested 'Oscars' owner and had taken the owner away and left poor furry oscar tied to a pole in front of the Richmond Medical centre...go figure. The owner of the Richmond medical centre (who is a client at the studio) rang me and before i could stop myself i said 'sure ill come down and deal with him'....hmmm. So off i went and beautiful Oscar was such a beautiful staffy cross dog with a gorgeous personality and great manners (shook hands for food). I knew it would be hours before the Ranger came to collect him and at one point i thought we might need to take him home for the night, so thanks to Kate R's kindness (thanks hon!) off we went to Kates house up the road to...well bath him. You couldnt think up a funnier scene if you tried. Me, Kate and Oscar in gorgeous bathroom, bathing Oscar and...feeding him cheese slices. He was given his title whilst being dried (after kate asking if we should blow dry his fur..ummm no!) and Oscar seemed an appropriate name.
Whilst wandering back down to the studio we were informed by Mick that the Ranger was on her way and had been midly amused with the fact that strangers were bathing the dog up the road. So oscar was taken away and hopefully he is happy, warm and safe...
So there you have it, its been an interesting week.
Tomorrow im off to have a one on one session with Bio Signature Practitioner and Bodybuilding Coach Mark Ottbre. Mark and I have been friends since last July when he did my body fat testing on the day of my competition. Mark extended a hand to me after being concerned about my health due to my restrictive comp diet. My health has been woeful ever since last comp and so im off to see him to talk through some health issues and give me some ideas for my body and also for my clients in the future. Over the weekend we have been emailing info back and forth and im so fascinated to rack his brain over a tonne of nutritional stuff.
He is also an avid fan of functional and plyometrical workouts (which is similar to the kettlebell stuff i have been talking about)and not a fan of long steady state cardio - whichis what i did last comp prep. He also promises me that he can get my legs to lean down a lot faster and healthier than i could previously with a standard comp diet. This has been an ongoing issue for me - upper body i get very lean very quickly, and then it takes a lot to get my legs to come down. Anyway i will report back with how it goes, and i will also be attending a full day seminar with him in late sept which im also excited about.
Ok thats it people, keep your training consistent, your food clean and your smiles bright xx
Its my new found workout LOVE! It is honestly one of the best ways to get a full blown all over body workout that leaves you sweating and swearing at your PT (sorry mick...and Tom!). I have noticed massive improvements since using the kettlebell and easing off the heavy weights. The higer intensity training just suits my physique better and gets me faster results - with the added bonus of it being fun. I really needed for my workouts to be enjoyable again, because we all know if its not fun anymore, we are likely not to keep doing it. I have the 12kg kettlebell at the moment but im in the market to upgrade now to the 16kgs as i can now do a 12kg one arm kettlebell swing - sound easy? Well give it a go and get back to me...
So in other news I had a photoshoot on friday night with the very talented Ms Lisa Ray (www.lisarayphotograpy.com.au). She needed a model to help her with some lighting for a big shoot she had the next day so i happily helped her out. It was great fun, Lisa is an amazing photographer and these images turned out gritty and alluring. I will post some once there ready...
On thursday night I met oscar. For those of you reading and dont know who Oscar is - well he is a stray dog that I rescued. The police had arrested 'Oscars' owner and had taken the owner away and left poor furry oscar tied to a pole in front of the Richmond Medical centre...go figure. The owner of the Richmond medical centre (who is a client at the studio) rang me and before i could stop myself i said 'sure ill come down and deal with him'....hmmm. So off i went and beautiful Oscar was such a beautiful staffy cross dog with a gorgeous personality and great manners (shook hands for food). I knew it would be hours before the Ranger came to collect him and at one point i thought we might need to take him home for the night, so thanks to Kate R's kindness (thanks hon!) off we went to Kates house up the road to...well bath him. You couldnt think up a funnier scene if you tried. Me, Kate and Oscar in gorgeous bathroom, bathing Oscar and...feeding him cheese slices. He was given his title whilst being dried (after kate asking if we should blow dry his fur..ummm no!) and Oscar seemed an appropriate name.
Whilst wandering back down to the studio we were informed by Mick that the Ranger was on her way and had been midly amused with the fact that strangers were bathing the dog up the road. So oscar was taken away and hopefully he is happy, warm and safe...
So there you have it, its been an interesting week.
Tomorrow im off to have a one on one session with Bio Signature Practitioner and Bodybuilding Coach Mark Ottbre. Mark and I have been friends since last July when he did my body fat testing on the day of my competition. Mark extended a hand to me after being concerned about my health due to my restrictive comp diet. My health has been woeful ever since last comp and so im off to see him to talk through some health issues and give me some ideas for my body and also for my clients in the future. Over the weekend we have been emailing info back and forth and im so fascinated to rack his brain over a tonne of nutritional stuff.
He is also an avid fan of functional and plyometrical workouts (which is similar to the kettlebell stuff i have been talking about)and not a fan of long steady state cardio - whichis what i did last comp prep. He also promises me that he can get my legs to lean down a lot faster and healthier than i could previously with a standard comp diet. This has been an ongoing issue for me - upper body i get very lean very quickly, and then it takes a lot to get my legs to come down. Anyway i will report back with how it goes, and i will also be attending a full day seminar with him in late sept which im also excited about.
Ok thats it people, keep your training consistent, your food clean and your smiles bright xx
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Your mind is your weapon
Your mind is your most powerful ally. It can be your biggest foe - if you let it. This is the biggest mistake we all make at one time or another, we forget we have the choice to use our mind to our personal advantage.
My mind has been my enemy of late. Actually its been worse than an enemy, because instead of sabotaging me and giving me the opportunity to turn things around, it just decided to give me the silent treatment. I couldn't tap into my positive because my mind was not answering me - it had completley shunned me, broken down and left the party. I can't tell you how frustrated i have been. So where does that leave me with comp prep? Well im still in the game. Despite my ups and downs, i have still made really good gains over the last couple of weeks. g
The biggest question I get asked by friends, family and clients - 'are you on track?'...the answer is 'you better believe it!'.
Im holding a lot of fluid at present due to my elevated cortisol levels, but this will start to come down as i get mentally back on track.
So all of this has had me questioning things of late. Ive had a very stressful few weeks with events leaving me wondering what is important in life. What do I want out of life? Well i want to be fit and healthy, thats important - BUT i really want a better balance, something that comps will, and never can, give me. So after this years comps it will be a long time, if ever, before i compete again. I want to show clients and friends and family, that you dont have to compete to be a picture of strength and focus. I will hopefully continue to prep other girls for the stage, because i love the industry, but my body and my mind need a break.
The other thing that has become apparent to me just recently, is that having a family with my husband is so important to both of us. I recently turned 33, and although thats still relatively young, for child bearing, its not. I already suffer from Endometriosis and PCOS so my chances of having children is already limited and my chances of miscarriage are almost doubled...
So as part of this plan to rebalance my life I am back on fertility drugs to help 'the situation'!! Ok, so the downside is that fertility drugs and comp prep kind of dont go hand in hand - but its a risk im willing to take (to not get to the stage that is). I refuse to put that part of my life on hold any longer.
In having re-addressed this balance, im feeling calmer, happier and in control.
I have lots to look forward to in the coming months, i just dont know what it will consist of yet! Hmmm ive always loved a good surprise!
So what else has been going on? Well like i said i recently turned 33 and to celebrate Mick organised a surprise dinner for me...with a bunch of our closest friends! I rocked up to dinner thinking it was just Mick and I and surprise surprise there was a group of smiling faces there to greet us! It was wonderful and i thank all of you that were there from the bottom of my heart.
In other news Mick is currently doing a stint of personal training for....ROYALTY!!! No, im not joking! I cant say too much, but they are living at the Crown Casino for the next 4 weeks and wanted a PT for 5 nights a week whilst there here. Mick got the job, which he deserves because lets face it, he has earnt his well respected title of best PT after 12 years in the industry! Im very proud of him. He is chuffed that he is rubbing shoulders with people worth BILLIONs (no not kidding about that either!) and is learning very quickly that even though he does a PT session surrounded by body guards and has to refer to his client as Sir, that really they are just regular people who are easy to talk to. Oh and the money ROCKS! Ok thats really all i can say about that!
Alright im off to smash my legs people, so keep exercising, eating clean with the occasional treat and smile...it takes less muscles than frowning! xx
My mind has been my enemy of late. Actually its been worse than an enemy, because instead of sabotaging me and giving me the opportunity to turn things around, it just decided to give me the silent treatment. I couldn't tap into my positive because my mind was not answering me - it had completley shunned me, broken down and left the party. I can't tell you how frustrated i have been. So where does that leave me with comp prep? Well im still in the game. Despite my ups and downs, i have still made really good gains over the last couple of weeks. g
The biggest question I get asked by friends, family and clients - 'are you on track?'...the answer is 'you better believe it!'.
Im holding a lot of fluid at present due to my elevated cortisol levels, but this will start to come down as i get mentally back on track.
So all of this has had me questioning things of late. Ive had a very stressful few weeks with events leaving me wondering what is important in life. What do I want out of life? Well i want to be fit and healthy, thats important - BUT i really want a better balance, something that comps will, and never can, give me. So after this years comps it will be a long time, if ever, before i compete again. I want to show clients and friends and family, that you dont have to compete to be a picture of strength and focus. I will hopefully continue to prep other girls for the stage, because i love the industry, but my body and my mind need a break.
The other thing that has become apparent to me just recently, is that having a family with my husband is so important to both of us. I recently turned 33, and although thats still relatively young, for child bearing, its not. I already suffer from Endometriosis and PCOS so my chances of having children is already limited and my chances of miscarriage are almost doubled...
So as part of this plan to rebalance my life I am back on fertility drugs to help 'the situation'!! Ok, so the downside is that fertility drugs and comp prep kind of dont go hand in hand - but its a risk im willing to take (to not get to the stage that is). I refuse to put that part of my life on hold any longer.
In having re-addressed this balance, im feeling calmer, happier and in control.
I have lots to look forward to in the coming months, i just dont know what it will consist of yet! Hmmm ive always loved a good surprise!
So what else has been going on? Well like i said i recently turned 33 and to celebrate Mick organised a surprise dinner for me...with a bunch of our closest friends! I rocked up to dinner thinking it was just Mick and I and surprise surprise there was a group of smiling faces there to greet us! It was wonderful and i thank all of you that were there from the bottom of my heart.
In other news Mick is currently doing a stint of personal training for....ROYALTY!!! No, im not joking! I cant say too much, but they are living at the Crown Casino for the next 4 weeks and wanted a PT for 5 nights a week whilst there here. Mick got the job, which he deserves because lets face it, he has earnt his well respected title of best PT after 12 years in the industry! Im very proud of him. He is chuffed that he is rubbing shoulders with people worth BILLIONs (no not kidding about that either!) and is learning very quickly that even though he does a PT session surrounded by body guards and has to refer to his client as Sir, that really they are just regular people who are easy to talk to. Oh and the money ROCKS! Ok thats really all i can say about that!
Alright im off to smash my legs people, so keep exercising, eating clean with the occasional treat and smile...it takes less muscles than frowning! xx
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