Sometimes life throws a curveball

Ok well I have debated about writing this post. Should I? Shouldn't I? But i feel its an important topic and one that women should not feel ashamed of, or guilty about.
So a few of you now know that Im officially NOT competing this year. 5 weeks ago I was struggling emotionally, more so than i was physically. I couldn't get my brain or my emotions to be in sync with what I wanted my body to do. It felt like an uphill battle, and one that i knew i was losing.
Why couldn't I get myself motivated to want to compete?? I had all the support in the world, my body was coming in and I had gained some good muscle. I just didnt feel...right. I was breaking down in front of my coach, i was feeling miserable, emotional highs and lows and generally felt like i was going insane.
What I didnt realise at the time was that I was in fact pregnant.
I wasn't listening to my body. It was trying to tell me to STOP. It was giving me all the warning signs, it had put up the white flag and i refused to listen or take notice. This is the biggest lesson i have learnt in my life thus far. If you push your body to extremes - it will eventually push back, and then there is nothing you can do.
So earlier in the week I woke up and i just knew - its weird, and some of you will know what im talking about, but i just 'felt' pregnant. I decided to take a pregnancy test and with huge excitment a faint positive appeared! Now some of you that know me very well, will know that in the many years my husband and i have been trying to fall pregnant, any pregnancy test i have taken has been so negative that not even an evapoation line would appear !! The exhiliration of seeing a line, albeit faint, was almost too much to bear. I knew i was very early to take a pregnancy test and some of you will know that your pregnancy hormone (HCG) increases daily as you progress in your pregnancy, so the pregnancy test positive line should get darker and darker. I drove michael and myself crazy, taking home pregnancy tests over and over again - just to make sure my eyes had not decieved me. But there is was again and again, a line...a perfect faint pink line...
On thursday evening i took what would be my 5th and final home pregnancy test. I felt sick to my stomache as i came out and showed michael the test. No line. The test was undeniably negative. I actually described it to my doctor as the pregnancy test giving me the finger. She laughed - but i was serious.
In the early hours of friday morning (without going into the details), i just knew i wasnt pregnant anymore. I woke and turned to michael and said 'i dont think im pregant anymore...'. I booked in to see my wonderful GP who after rushing through a blood test, confirmed at 5pm friday afternoon that i had miscarried at 5.5 weeks.
So after a few brief moments of grief, I am now extremelly excited for the future. I have been told for a very long time that due to my PCOS and Endometriosis that getting pregnant naturally would be very difficult - well i now know for certain that i can get pregnant. Happy days!
In writing this I really dont want any of you to feel sad for me and nor do i want sympathy. I want you to rejoice with me that i have extreme hope that one day i will have the family i desire.
As women, we should never feel that miscarriage is a taboo subject and we should not feel ashamed or guilty. A very large percentage of women will miscarry in their lifetime, and its just natures way of protecting us i feel.
So then where to from here? Well, for me, it has definantly put things in perspective and has put my priorities straight. No more comps for me. I need to get myself healthy and happy so that i can provide a wonderful environment for a child. Balance is the key, and its something i still struggle with, but something i need to get a handle on quickly. Maybe oneday after i have a child i will feel compelled to compete again, but for now - its not a consideration, and im ok with that.
If you take one thing away from this post i want it to be this. LISTEN to your body. Get in tune with yourself, nuture yourself. Its the only body you've got - look after it.
xx